I was 21 and on top of the world…
Literally. Sitting in the top floor of Chicago’s tallest building (then called the Sears Tower) in a Goldman Sachs conference room.
It was me and some other undergrads that Goldman had decided they wanted to employ upon graduation, and they were pitching us hard.
And I was eating up every word!
After years of working harder than most everyone around me, I was being seen and recognized. They were admitting me to an elite club of power and prestige, and my life was set.
But then a woman stood up to speak, and she changed my life forever…
After she’d had children, she said, Goldman supportively let her morph into a role that allowed a lifestyle other than their famed 100-hour workweeks: She launched a new global in-house childcare initiative for the company.
It was an obvious sales tactic aimed at positioning the company as an enlightened and warm-fuzzy kind of place.
And then, it happened….
She mentioned that it had been hard to make the switch.
“Remember those crazy projects where we’d just catch a few hours of sleep here on a sofa, and then be back at it the next morning?” she joked-not-joked with a colleague.
And then she seemed to get lost in thought. Her hand floated up to her chest, fingering the white silk of her blouse as if she were wearing a pendant. She bit her lip slightly, and her gaze drifted to the side….
Her longing was so palpable that she could’ve been reminiscing about the best sex of her life, rather than a work assignment.
It only lasted a split second, but I knew exactly what she was feeling.
… I knew the adrenaline rush that comes from caffeine, sugar, and burning the midnight oil on a super tight deadline.
… I knew the dopamine rush of struggling with a problem until you finally get that lightbulb moment (bonus points if somebody was underestimating you or naysaying while you were doing it!).
… And I knew the addictive pull to do it over and over again, because otherwise life seems boring and just … off, like you’re missing something.
I knew all this because it takes one to know one.
And that’s how I also realized I could NOT let myself play with fire.
Accepting a job there would’ve been like a binge-drinker getting a job at a bar.
I decided I wasn’t going to put myself in a situation where everyone around me was enabling my habit…
Where I’d risk “burning” my life away.
AKA: waking up one day middle-aged, avoiding the vacations, finally taking one but incapable of really relaxing, and with a family I hardly knew (or kind of resented) and no real sense of self outside of my meaningless-in-the-grand-scheme-of-things work.
So instead I chose a completely different path.
The week after graduation I left for Spain, immersed myself in la vida buena as devoutly as an anthropologist studying a lost civilization, lived on a tiny forgotten island surrounded by crystalline water and didn’t come home for many years.
(And it all worked out ok. The world didn’t stop spinning.)
Maybe you’re thinking, Jenna, this is a really strange note for you to be sending….
After all, your last email glorified the transformative effect of really owning your inner power player! In reality, there is no conflict.
Because TRUE power has nothing to do with the Goldman way of doing things (aka the modern way).
Rushing to jump through the hoops that society has programmed you to want so that you can satisfy the directives of the most primitive, unevolved part of your brain is NOT powerful!
True power is when you’re
… Conscious about what’s really driving you (Reese Witherspoon was accepting unaligned roles out of fear … fear of not staying relevant, fear of not being good enough, fear of backlash if she didn’t play ball…)
… Clear about what YOU truly want (she wanted complex challenging roles, better representation of women’s stories, a seat at the table, creative freedom, more impact and money)
… Actually living into it (she made an uncommon choice to start her own business and compete directly with the studios that used to hire her).
It all comes down to knowing yourself and having your back, and then proving it.
Because when you do, that’s when you:
Start caring more about showing up as you really are for the RIGHT people rather than worrying what others think
Trust you’ll find your way through that scary thing that’s calling to you
Stop waiting for others to value you because you’re too focused on CREATING value
Shouldn’t you feel like your life is something that YOU scripted?
And NOW … rather than hoping you’ll get there one day in the future?
If you’re nodding your head “yes” but know you’re definitely not living into it, let’s talk.
(You don’t need to drop out and seclude yourself on an island in Spain to make a change! But don’t keep doing what’s not working for you, either.)
Here’s to living the life you really want,
Jenna