“Ohhhh.”
It’s the sound we’ve all heard before ... the sound that seems to say:
“I’m not going to say this to your face yet, so instead I’ll just express my thoughts through a lack of enthusiasm and some little jokes here and there … because what I really think is that you’ve lost your mind. There’s no way you’re going to be able to make that happen.”
When the people around you (especially people you really care about) criticize your dreams or even maybe just don’t quite get what you’re trying to do, it’s never enjoyable.
“It really feeds the doubt monster. I let it get me off track …. I know better but for some reason I still let it happen.” --Sandra, entrepreneur
Why we care what others think
We’re wired to want to please the people in our circle and not make waves, because when people get along they tend to stick together. Thousands of years ago, that could mean life or death! The more cooperative and conformist you were, the more likely you’d survive and pass on your genes.
That’s why even today, when our survival really doesn’t depend much on the opinion of others, we continue to experience discomfort when we perceive that we’re not seeing eye-to-eye. And some people experience that sensation more strongly than others.
Fun fact: Scientists can temporarily change whether or not we care what others think, just by targeting the appropriate region of the brain.
What’s going on when they disagree
But there’s a little more to the story than that…
Stick with me, because I’m about to bring up two things that seem contradictory but are both completely true.
It’s all about them
Everything from our backgrounds to our brain chemistry shapes how we feel about risk. Some people believe life is better when you play it safe, and others can’t imagine how dull their life would be without taking chances.
Your big bold dreams will set off warning bells for risk-averse people, and they’ll want to “save” you.
The friction comes if someone thinks the other should be more like them, rather than just letting things be.
Tip #1: Understand that most risk-averse people have great intentions and probably believe you’re really about to self-destruct, but their opinion is no more valid than yours. It’s just different.
And sometimes, people aren’t just looking out for your best interests. They might actually be reacting to what your risk-taking means about themselves.
Is your partner worried that your relationship will change if you reach the success you’re looking for?
Is it hard for your mom to face the fact that her little girl doesn’t “need” her anymore?
Deep down, does your friend feel like she should take more risks, so if you succeed at something she wants for herself, she’ll be forced to take a hard look in the mirror rather than blaming events or circumstances in her life?
It gets complicated!
But that’s okay. Luckily, you don’t have to figure out everyone’s backstory … that’s for them to do. All you have to remember is that there can be a lot going on beneath the surface.
Tip #2: Remember that your actions, and the results of your actions, make people reflect on their own life and choices. You may be touching a nerve that you didn’t even know existed.
Unfortunately, this is why people sometimes fade from our lives when we start making big changes. The process of separation can hurt, but in the long run it’s less painful than conforming to someone else’s idea of how you should live your life.
“Negativity is contagious and when I have positive people around me they are encouraging and supportive!” -- Megan, soldier
Tip #3: Don’t be the person that dims your light for someone else’s benefit! Yes, they should be able to voice their opinions candidly to you, but they should ultimately agree that it’s your decision.
It’s all about YOU
Let’s say you were lying in the park on a lazy Sunday, gazing up at the sky with your bestie.
“I just love looking at the clouds in the green sky,” she says.
“You mean blue sky,” you say.
“The sky’s not blue. It’s green!” she replies, looking at you as if you were crazy.
You friend may not see things your way … but her words don’t cut you to the core like they would if she were talking about your business plan.
The difference is that you believe 100% in the blueness of the sky, but more like 50% in your ability to pull off that dream of yours. And while a certain level of uncertainty is natural with all new things, you need to be absolutely clear that you should be doing this and that your decisions are yours to make.
“I realized that the more I believed in myself and my own goals, the less it mattered if other people did.” --Tom, athlete
And the people around you, especially the people that are closest to you, can read you like an open book. After all, only about 7% of communication comes through the words you use … the rest comes from nearly imperceptible variations in things like your tone of voice and body language.
Not only are those people reacting to the signals you’re putting out, but you are actually bringing those people and comments into your orbit so that they can reflect your inner beliefs back to you.
Why would you do that? Because your brain is wired to seek out evidence to support your beliefs. So if you think you’re making a dumb choice, your brain will find ways to help prove it!
It’s a big, vicious cycle. You doubt yourself … and then you subconsciously share those doubts with the exact people that will pick up on them and reflect them back to you.
Maybe you ask somebody who is risk-averse or has no understanding of what you’re trying to do. To paraphrase Teddy Roosevelt, if that person isn’t actually in the arena with you, why are you asking their opinion?
(My husband is a soldier and I love him dearly, but I don’t ask him for business advice. I ask women who have already done what I’m trying to do.)
Or maybe you have a tendency to surround yourself with people that don’t see the best in you, because YOU don’t see the best in you.
Tip #4: If more than one person questions your dreams, use it as an opportunity to reexamine your beliefs. Get clear on your “why” and what it means to you to be a person who values growth. Work on your mindset to uncover any limiting beliefs that might be holding you back. Pay extra close attention to your fears and whether or not they are actually grounded in truth, and go out of your way to look for evidence that supports you … like surrounding yourself with other people that are growth-minded.
“I do feel alone on this journey sometimes... I try not to let that get the best of me. I just have to remember my 'why' then I can get back on track.” -- Sonia, entrepreneur
So in other words, thank them for bringing this to your attention! If they had been your biggest cheerleader … if they had loaned you money … if they had offered to chip in and help … none of that would be more valuable than helping to shine a light on your own beliefs.
Because your beliefs are everything. They drive your actions and your actions fuel your results … and ultimately, your success.
What it all means
It’s natural to value the opinions of people you care about and want them to value the same things you do. So you’re not alone if you’ve been asking yourself what their words mean.
Maybe their disbelief has you questioning your dreams, your abilities ... or your entire relationship.
But I’ve got great news for you: YOU get to decide what you want to make it mean.
“He loves protecting me.”
“As soon as I accomplish this, she’ll be the proudest of them all.”
“If they’d been born into a different generation, they’d totally be on board with this.”
“This will make the most amazing underdog story.”
In conclusion, what does it all mean? Whatever you want it to.
The choice is entirely yours.